Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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