The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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