i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
