we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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