Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
