Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
