My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
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My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
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I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize