I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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