M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
