mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
