Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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