I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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