i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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