please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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