I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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