Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
