Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
