Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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