there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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