I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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