There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
