sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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