I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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