my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
A+ Viking dick
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
