I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
