My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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