i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
is that a dick in a sweater?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
