1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
