Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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