She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
