I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
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There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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