May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
