I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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