got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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