I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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