get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
