I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
