You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
