I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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