How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
