so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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