I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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