my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
