u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
