is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
