After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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