I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I will be naked everywhere
Thank you for not boning my boss.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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