We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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