fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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