You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
