And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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