There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
