i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
handjob tips. give me some.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
