when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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