i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
