someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
