I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
