I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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